Accepting Our Children as Separate Individuals—The Key to Better Relationships & Higher Self Esteem
By Marilyn Henninger, Ph.D.

At first our children are totally dependent on us, so it's not surprising that we often fail to see them as separate individuals. In truth, they have unique personalities from the beginning that emerge more clearly over time. Acknowledging the personality differences between our children and ourselves is the key to more loving family relationships and greater self esteem for our children.

People differ on four key personality dimensions, including whether we are more:

• Extraverted or Introverted
• Practical or Creative
• Sensitive or Insensitive
• Organized or Flexible

While we can learn to act in non-preferred ways, it's much more difficult, like a right-handed person writing with their left hand. So what's second nature for one individual can be torture for another.

Most of us differ from our children on at least one of these personality dimensions, creating the potential for conflicts over

• Socializing
• Attention to Detail
• Politenes
• Neatness

Before addressing any of these conflicts with your child, ask yourself what your natural tendency is. It will help you be more patient in the areas where you differ.

Socializing: If your child prefers spending time alone, make sure he's not uncomfortable interacting with others. Help create non-threatening social situations where he can become confident of his social skills. But don't make him feel self-conscious if he wants to spend time alone. Many successful people are introverts.

Attention to Detail: Creative kids are bored to distraction by repetitive tasks and detailed instructions. Unfortunately, many school assignments fall into this category

You can help your creative kid succeed by recognizing how hard it is for him to do detail-oriented tasks well and by rewarding him for accuracy.

Politeness: Insensitive kids are tuned into logic and facts, making politeness a challenge for them. Help them become more considerate by explaining how their behavior makes others feel. Reward them heavily when they exhibit sensitivity. For many, this will be like teaching a foreign language, so be patient.

Neatness: For some neatness comes naturally. For others it's an alien act. While kids can be taught to be neater, understand that for some it's much more painful. But that same messy kid will easily adapt to change while your neat kid will "lose it" when you change his routine.

When Isabel Myers Briggs wrote her definitive book on personality types she titled it "Gifts Differing." It was her deepest belief that we need every personality type to make the world work. Acknowledging the different gifts that you and your child bring to the world can be the key to more loving family relationships. It also teaches your child how to love and respect himself and others so that he can bring the legacy of his gifts to future generations.