Don't Blow Your Top, Mom and Pop!
By Laura Fox, MA Educational Psychology
I am the author of the children's self-help book: Helping Children Deal With Anger, I AM SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM! I am often asked, "What can parents do to help their children with anger?" One of the most important things a parent can do is model appropriate ways to deal with anger. That's right, like it or not your children are watching you very closely.
One way to help yourself and your children with anger is to keep things in perspective. Look at the big picture. Is it really worth getting so upset about? Is something else bothering you and this was the straw that broke your back? I talk to children about the importance of not letting anger build by dealing with things as they happen. Let's face it, most parents are very stressed out and sometimes they explode!
Recently, at a book signing I witnessed a father blow up. Yes, it was ironic that he exploded in front of my table where I sat with a huge display reading: I AM SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM! His family just missed reading time where a popular character came and danced with the children. He was outraged. They had driven a long distance so that his child could see this character. He was misinformed by the store about the time. The man made a huge scene which to some may have resembled a temper tantrum. It ended with him and his family storming out of the store.
What could he have done? He could have expressed to the manager, as calmly as possible, how upset he was and then made the best of the situation. Later, he could have written a letter to the head of the franchise. I admit, I am a letter writer myself. Sometimes the way we view things, our attitude, can make all the difference in the world. The store was willing to bring the character out and read the story for his child. The day didn't have to be a total loss. He could have used the opportunity as a lesson. In life, people make mistakes. There are going to be disappointments. You need to stay cool, and make the most out of it. Try to create change when possible and cope when you can't change things.
In my book, I encourage children to fill out an anger chart to help them strategize ways of dealing with their anger. The chart is divided into three parts: things that make me angry, why this makes me angry, and how I can use anger in positive ways. As a parent, what are things that cause you stress and lead to anger? What can you do to help yourself? What things can you change? For those that you cannot change, how can you make it better for yourself and cope. Sometimes, like the man in the store, it's a matter of perspective and seeing a fuller picture.
An example of strategizing to avoid anger provoking situations can be found in the college town I live in. Driving here is very stressful. The students often don't look where they are walking. We've actually had students hit by cars and I can understand why. I've found that if I take back roads, I avoid traffic and pedestrians. Many people who work for the university walk as much as possible because driving and finding parking is so aggravating.
I hope the next time you are in an anger-provoking situation you will take a deep breath and strategize. It may help to make a list. Modeling is a very strong learning tool. It may interest you to know that my mother was very much a list maker. She used to say, "Excuse me I have to have a meeting with myself!" Her example led me to often do the same thing! Anger is something we all feel and something we all need to be able to deal with effectively.
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